For as long as I can remember, my family, friends, and peers have raised certain questions to which I had no answer, not because these questions surpassed my level of understanding in any way but rather because no matter how desperately I tried, I did not care. I found myself completely and utterly opinionless. When asked about my take on obscure topics like Cookie Monster apocalypses I would often find myself replying something to the extent of, “Yes Lisa, I certainly think a Cookie Monster apocalypse will lead to eternal damnation” or when questioned on my opinion of specific fashion trends, I’d half-heartedly respond, “Oh, for sure– I totally think blue fuzzy tracksuits are embarrassing, Melinda”. Though these superficial responses always worked for the time being, the sticky situations would begin to entangle me when I would, for instance, see Melinda once more in the hallway, but this time, I would be wearing a blue, fuzzy tracksuit. “I thought you hated blue fuzzy tracksuits,” Melinda would inquire, to which I would bewilderedly reply, “Huh… Did I- did I say that?”

Needless to say, this epidemic of fake opinion disasters is one that torments opinionless people around the globe; well… maybe just me. However, if you, too, are affected by this epidemic, it’s important to understand that you can avoid disaster through the meticulous art form of opinion-dodging. “How exactly do I opinion-dodge?” one may ask. Well, through the practice of these four tips, opinion dodging could easily become your reality.

#1 Vague Language

One way to keep your lack of opinions concealed from the public eye is by fabricating vague responses to the inquiries of your peers. Try to enrich your vocabulary with ambiguous responses like “-interesting” and “okay, maybe-”, that really give your peers absolutely zero certainty. Then, if the given subject comes up in a future conversation, you don’t have to remember the opinion that you faked last time because you didn’t fully commit to either side. 

#2 Answer Questions with Questions

Personally, I feel that this header truly speaks for itself. Answering questions with more questions is truly one of the oldest opinion-dodging tricks in the book. If you need an example of this tactic, simply approach your closest teacher during a quiz and ask any quiz-related question; their answer may just teach you all you need to know about how to combat a question with another one (shoutout to Mr. Han who has mastered this artform).

 #3 Instilling Confusion into Peers

This classic method of responding to a peer’s inquisition entails disheveling your questioner so intensely that they forget the question they asked you in the first place.  Personally, I find pointing at a faraway object and running away in the other direction does the trick, but if this doesn’t suit you, there are many sedentary methods of confusion including, but obviously not limited to: reciting a verbatim monologue you may have memorized, breaking out into dance and song to serenade your peer, and possibly even falling to the ground in a death drop. The possibilities are endless.

#4 Opinion-Logging

This final method of opinion dodging is arguably the most useful if a peer continues to nag despite your utilization of all three methods prior stated. Simply pick a stance on the issue at hand (even if you have to eeny-meeny-miny-moe it) and add the stance to a Google Doc where you can organize your “opinions” and keep each individual stance clear.

I get it; forming opinions can be really hard. However, with the utilization of these four tactics, you can avoid the real questions– i.e. ‘Am I even human if I don’t have any stances’– and instead never worry about inconsequential opinions again.