We’ve all seen the classic toothpaste commercial advertising the new and improved toothpaste with “New Hyper-Fluoride Enhancers” or “Uber-Enamel Reparation Nanomachines”. But have we ever truly stopped to question why only 9/10 of dentists will recommend these products to their clients? Today, the shocking truth will finally be revealed, and the lies so many have been fed will be completely and utterly deconstructed.

To begin, we have to go back to when it all started. As is common with many controversial topics, many have a false idea of when the trend began. For this issue, many believe the first instance of this phrase was marketed by Colgate, meant to entice the unwitting customer into buying their product. However, any true professional will tell you the truth; the beginning of this story goes back generations, being traced back by historians to as early as 4,000 B.C. (Before Crest) in an area that is now Egypt. Inscribed into the inner walls of the pyramids is what has been interpreted as a primitive version of a toothbrush. This early toothbrush was made with river reeds and strips of papyrus and topped with a mixture of rock salt paste and crushed mint, which was thought to have been imported from the Northern regions of early Australia.

The pharaoh at the time, known by historians only as Colga the Tenth, was depicted in scriptures as a man with nearly infinite desire. As time went on, the demands for mint continued to increase throughout his ruling years. Eventually, the natives of Australia could no longer keep up with the requests, shutting exports down completely. This invoked the wrath of the pharaoh, who mustered the full might of Egypt to completely level Australia, attacking with such force for so long that the entire continent was turned upside down. One particularly deadly weapon used by Egyptian troops was bundles of very thin threads that would spread to create a large, net-like shape, immobilizing and constricting circulation for those caught underneath. This would come to be known as floss. 

After the monopolization of mint production by Egypt, Colga felt the need to hire some more formal security. He then began to personally train lethal bodyguards that would be armed to the teeth. They would carry small steel hooks and rods, sedatives, and handheld mirrors to deflect light into the eyes of opponents The general fighting style was to inflict small, numerous wounds on the enemy. In all, only ten applicants passed the certification process and were thus named the first ten dentists.

For many years after the enlistment of the Ten Dentists, peace was held in the Kingdom of Colga, despite rising tensions in the outside world over shortages in dental care materials. Generally, the monarch was unresponsive to the requests for hygienic materials, as were his dentists. However, one dentist, named Liss Terine, pitied the masses and began to distribute supplies to the less fortunate secretly. These operations continued unnoticed for many years, until finally being uncovered by another dentist, Sen Sodyne. After being brought before Colga, Terine was sentenced to exile and cast out by the rest of the dentists.

Terine would go on to plot revenge against the brotherhood of dentists that had wronged them. They used whatever leftover mint supplies they could scrounge to develop a very acidic solution, coated the mouth of the bottle with a quick-drying dental concrete, and then disguised it as a gift to the pharaoh. The pharaoh received the gift with joy, proceeding to try and drink it immediately. However, the mixture was too bitter and minty to swallow, and the quick-drying concrete had sealed his mouth shut, making it impossible for the pharaoh to spit the mixture out. By the time they were able to pry open his mouth, his teeth were damaged beyond repair, forcing him to wear stone dentures to appear in public.

This was the first in a long line of attempts to cripple the toothpaste business at large and were carried out by Terine’s ancestors for generations after. Only in recent years did the Mass of Unified Tooth Helpers (MOUTH) reach out to the group of Terine’s living ancestors, who call themselves The Cavities. They managed to reach a semblance of a peace treaty, under one condition: no toothpaste brand can ever claim to be supported by all dentists.

That treaty still holds today, and The Cavities have largely faded into obscurity. However, they still remain, a constant reminder of the origin of toothpaste as a whole and the importance of using mouthwash.

Source: Trust me, bro.