Disclaimer: This is an entirely factual story based on real events, and is written by a completely unbiased author. If you find yourself at odds with the factual information presented in this article, you are kindly invited to click the left-facing arrow in the top left of your screen.

Humanity has, for far too long, been warring amongst themselves over a very simple question of preference: Is creamy or chunky peanut butter better? The origin of this question dates back to before written language which, years later, would spark one of the greatest wars society has ever participated in. But to understand the logical fallacies behind the supporters of crunchy peanut butter, we must first understand the history behind their delusions.

Firstly, I will discuss the origin of peanut butter as a whole. Many people falsely believe that peanut butter, as a concept, was invented by Dr. John Harvey Kellog, who is commonly marketed as the father of peanut butter. However, this is in fact a ruse set by the various CPBS (Crunchy Peanut Butter Syndicate) moles that have infiltrated our education systems. The real origin was discovered on an ancient tablet where Ancient Mesopotamia is today, inscribed in hieroglyphics and depicting a group of foreign travelers hailing from across the sea with a strange and divine legume, which is believed to be an ancient ancestor of the peanut.

With this new technology, humanity advanced faster than ever before. The early peanut was revered as a source of energy for the early hunter-gatherers, giving them superhuman strength and speed. Peanuts are also very easy to grow, which is thought to be the first instance of farming by humans. Eventually, after a boulder crushed a shipment of peanuts, it was found that the liquid form of peanuts was not only even more nutritious, but also a great adhesive, which progressed the construction of the building even further. It is said that it is such an effective building material that the Vatican was built in Ancient Times and has remained standing due to the regenerative powers of the ancient peanuts.

It wasn’t long before word of this magical plant spread to neighboring territories. This led to rising tensions between Mesopotamia and the rest of the world, as they were understandably strict with their exports of peanuts. Eventually, the sides went to war, one of the bloodiest in the new world. The Mesopotamians had the advantage of their super-powered farmers, but they were at a tactical disadvantage due to the newly discovered metal weapons and chariots of the warring faction and were ultimately wiped out. However, due to the magical powers of the plant, they foresaw this defeat, and chose to sacrifice the plant’s powers with a dark ritual rather than let it fall into the hands of the enemy. What they did not foresee, however, was that there were traitors about to wreak havoc upon the universe.

The exact processes of this ritual have been scrubbed from all records, but the effects are clear. Through the process of this ritual and its sabotage, the perpetrators altered the ritual and created one of the worst plagues on humanity ever recorded: chunky peanut butter. This had major repercussions on the world, as the impact of the peanut would be forever dulled by its very existence. For a time, chunky peanut butter was seen to be an alternative to the miraculous effects of untainted peanuts, but it soon became apparent that the abilities of chunky peanut butter would have many more negative effects on the consumer, altering the composition of their bodies and minds. They would become mindless, malevolent beasts, lashing out at any that had enjoyed the still pure and newly dubbed “creamy” peanut butter. 

The state of relations between the groups deteriorated over time, with the side of chunky growing more crafty and devilish in their attempts to draw more hapless victims into the twisted grasp of their new overlord. After centuries of being preyed upon by the crunchy peanut butter savages, the creamy peanut butter coalition decided to strike back, disguising military assaults as parades held in the honor of crunchy peanut butter in sympathetic zones. These attacks began what is, to this day, the nuttiest war in recorded history, the Great P.B. War of ‘65. The main forces of the creamy faction were giant phalanxes constructed from peanut shell-fortified iron, while the chunky side employed large, flat barricades coated in crunchy peanut butter, which would viciously tear at the flesh of any who came into contact. This war was also the main cause of the worldwide ban on peanut shrapnel grenades being used in wartime.

At the end of the war, the sides came to an uneasy truce that has been held to this day. The wounds of the war are still fresh, and many will never recover. However, if the righteous hands of the creamy paladins were to strike at this exact moment, our victory would be nearly assured, as a recent surveillance trip has revealed that the numbers of the chunky supporters are dwindling. Glory to the smooth, may we be victorious.

Sources: CLASSIFIED