In a recent article, Arts and Entertainment Editor, Ava Maxwell, insinuated that flat bed sheets are “useless” and said they should sit unused with the rest of the “junk” in your house.

As a flat bed sheet enthusiast, I am not gonna let this one slide. 

Allow me to explain why the flat bed sheet is essential to a good bed setup. 

The flat bed sheet is extremely versatile. In her article, Maxwell discussed how the $5.00 Five and Below fuzzy blankets are better than flat bed sheets. I was completely on board with this argument, until she said that the fuzzy blanket should replace the flat bed sheet. This is a big no-no. I get that the fuzzy blanket feels nice when it’s directly against your body. However, this is not a sustainable or sanitary way to sleep. If the fuzzy blanket is pressed against you all night, over time it will absorb all of your sweat, dirt, and grime. Maxwell admits that one can avoid this by placing the flat bed sheet in between your body and the fuzzy blanket but argues that it’s not worth the trouble to constantly have to wash the flat bed sheet. I disagree. Washing fuzzy blankets and comforters is much more tedious than washing a flat sheet every week, as they are much bulkier and harder to dry out. While having a flat bed sheet pressed against you loses out on the actual fuzziness of the fuzzy blanket, it still traps heat extremely well and is very comfy. 

There is another notable use of the flat bed sheet, but it’s kind of a huge “Hear me out” moment. This might be even more controversial than the argument over the flat sheet itself. Maxwell complains about how difficult it is to get a fitted sheet on a bed, and I 100% agree with this. However, the other day, I discovered a solution to this problem. My one fitted sheet was in the wash and I couldn’t find the other, so I did a super sketchy substitution – I used a flat sheet instead. At first, I thought it felt kind of weird, but now I actually really like it. Although my fitted sheets are out of the wash now, I haven’t bothered to put them on my bed because of how comfy the flat sheet has been. The fitted sheet has more problems than I had realized. You know that feeling when the corners of the fitted sheet get all bunchy? Or when there’s one wrinkled section in your otherwise perfectly smooth fitted sheet? How about those times when you wake up and find half of your mattress exposed since the fitted sheet fell off in the middle of the night? Using a flat sheet eliminates all of these annoyances. You throw it on your bed and it molds around your body while protecting the mattress. It’s quick, convenient, and comfy, so I’m all for it. 

 Up until this point, I’ve tried to make this article somewhat logical, but I’m about to go on a massive tangent. My main argument for the flat bed sheet is one that is completely based on personal experience and preference. With that being said, I have to think that there are others out there that feel the same way as I do. When I was younger, I was a little scaredy-cat. I was afraid of the dark and thought that monsters would come out of the closet in the middle of the night and attack me. What gave me comfort through these distressing times? The flat bed sheet. Having something always covering me made me feel comforted and protected somehow. I vividly remember turning out the lights in my room and scampering into bed as quickly as possible so that I could get under the sheets and be safe from the monsters. Maybe I’ve just been conditioned after all of these years of doing this, but now I rely on the flat bed sheet. I can’t sleep without it. Even on the hottest nights, when I have my air conditioner on and am hardly wearing any clothes, I still need the flat bed sheet on me. 

Now I’m going to spiral into some theory-crafting confirmation bias because there has to be some sort of scientific basis for why I feel such an attachment to the flat sheet. The main thing I can think of is the psychological principle of contact comfort. Humans like physical touch. When humans hug each other or even hug something soft and warm, the brain releases oxytocin and other feel-good chemicals. It’s reasonable to think that this idea would extend to sleep as well. When we sleep, being cocooned in a blanket may psychologically bring us comfort. While this comfort extends to all blankets, not only flat ones, the flat bed sheet is the best one to use when it is warm outside. It is as light as possible, which is perfect for the warmer months. 

Am I a clown for these takes? Does everyone else unanimously agree that flat bed sheets are the worst? I don’t know. Maybe. Whatever the case, I’ll gladly continue to be what Maxwell dubs a “menace to society” if it means I can keep enjoying my flat bed sheets.